It has been a good long while since I posted anything. I have a weird relationship with the internet. It gives me social anxiety, which is unfortunate since it is the final refuge for the socially inept. You know you have social anxiety when you can’t even speak up through your computer. I feel like the world is moving too fast for me right now. It has been a rough year for this one. Twenty-nine was a doozy, but now that I’ve entered the 30 zone, I’m expecting to pick up the pace. I keep on falling off the conveyor belt of life. I go through long periods of my life when I am paralyzed by fear, and then I demean myself for being so selfish. This past Winter has definitely been such a time. After I finished my degree, I had so much anxiety I swear I started hearing voices. I tripped off the conveyor belt. I returned home to my parents house thinking it would give me a second to get my head together. I don’t know how to live in this world. I see everyone else around me doing it, and I want to ask them how they have it figured out. Everything overwhelms me. I feel like I can barely pick up a fork. I want to help others, contribute to society, create something beautiful, etc. Where is my inner locus of control? I don’t want to be “sad girl”, but right now I’m that woman you see haunting the milk section of the grocery store. The one with unbrushed hair who talks to herself. That’s me. Earlier today I stopped mid-thought on the sidewalk and stared at my shoes for around two minutes before I realized I wasn’t moving. The only thing that tipped me off were the people staring. I’m going to write in this blog more. I don’t even know if anyone reads it, I certainly haven’t given them cause to, since I haven’t published anything in like a year, but I need that to change. I think this will be good for my health, even though I cringe at the thought of publishing some depressed girl snorefest of a blog. I swear this won’t be just that. I will find other things to write about besides my vacillating psychological state.
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